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A money mistake can slow retirement savings and make the path to financial freedom challenging.
When it comes to money mistakes, my husband and I have made some big ones. Yet, there was one money mistake in our past that I don’t regret. We have nothing to show for it except a memory, and hope that things worked out for the best.
It’s been 12 years since we embarked on a journey to adopt a baby. Ultimately, we did not get to bring our baby home with us. Yes, I still think of him as “our” baby. Jonathan never really belonged to us, but it felt like it for a while. His memory is forever etched in our hearts and we hope the best for him.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. – Proverbs 3:3
An Adoption Story
Our adoption story ended abruptly inside a hot, stuffy Guatemalan courtroom. The translator sat next to me, along with a lawyer hired by our adoption agency. Also seated around the table were Jonathan’s birth mother and her new boyfriend, the birth mother’s parents, a court reporter, and the judge.
The translator explained that the judge wanted to know how much we had paid to adopt this baby. Thoughts raced through my mind. I didn’t know what the judge was getting at. Did he think we were trying to “buy” a baby? How could I answer without making it sound otherwise?
I tried to explain that the money was used to provide diapers, clothing, formula, and care for Jonathan while he was in foster care. That the fees included a home study conducted by a social worker, to make sure we were suitable parents. The translator whispered, “He’s getting angry, just give him a number.”
“Thirty thousand dollars” I said. It was vastly below the amount we really spent.
Adoption Costs
Adoption agency fees vary widely, depending on the country. The average adoption cost from a private agency in the US is about $43,000. For international adoptions, agency fees range from $30,000 to $48,000.
Adoption is expensive, although there are ways to reduce costs. For example, adoptions through the US foster care system are practically free. Most foster care adoptions are limited to older children because child welfare agencies try hard to help families successfully reunite.
It can take years of parenting classes, drug treatment, therapy, etc., before parental rights are finally terminated in the US.
Did we make a money mistake by not adopting through the US foster care system? It would not have cost as much, but we would not have been matched with an infant.
We wanted a baby and chose to go with an agency that specialized in infant adoptions from Guatemala.
Other Adoption Expenses
We spent money to make our home look inviting, for professional photos of our family, and for application and home study fees. Additional funds went to notarize forms, obtain passports, pay dossier and legal fees, etc.
We made repeated trips to Guatemala. Of course we had to pay for airfare, other transportation, hotels, and food. We did some sight-seeing, too, to learn more about the wonderful Guatemalan people and their culture. It was hard to resist spending money on the lovely Guatemalan textiles!
Our emotions got the best of us (money mistake?). We purchased adorable outfits and supplies for Jonathan that we left with him while he was in foster care.
Initially we traveled to bond with the baby. Our final trips to Guatemala were for court proceedings.
No Emergency Fund (Huge Money Mistake)
On one trip, a hurricane stranded us. There were no flights out of Guatemala and we had to stay longer than expected. We had no financial cushion, no emergency fund. It was another serious money mistake! At this low point I asked a friend to loan us money until we could get back home.
My husband and I had not learned to save our money. We pretty much spent everything we made, and then some. It would be another seven years before we corrected this money mistake.
The general recommendation for an emergency fund is 3 – 6 months of living expenses. If an unexpected emergency occurs, you need a financial cushion. We sure could have used one back then!
Having an emergency fund gives you options.
Money Mistake Warning
We were warned by other adoptive parents not to go to Guatemala until the adoption was ready to be finalized to avoid making a big money mistake. It was suggested that we wait to meet the baby until he or she was approved for travel to his or her new home.
This was also to avoid getting our hearts broken by bonding with a baby that could not be adopted for some reason.
We didn’t listen to that advice.
Financial & Emotional Risks
Shortly after we signed the adoption agency contract, paid a big chunk of money and completed our home study, the political climate for adoptions from Guatemala changed. The US State Department was putting pressure on Guatemala to comply with the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption.
Our adoption agency informed us there was a very real chance that all adoptions from Guatemala would stop and asked us to carefully consider if we wanted to move forward or not.
We considered our options.
I’d already had several miscarriages. We realized that we could spend a massive amount of money for in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments with no guarantee that we’d get a baby.
The financial risk of continuing with the adoption despite the changing political climate was a risk we decided we were willing to take.
Was this a money mistake? If we received a referral for a baby, there was a chance the adoption might squeak through before the doors were closed for good. There was also a chance we would lose our money and have no baby to show for it.
What About Refunds?
Some families questioned whether refunds would be made by our adoption agency. My husband and I did not pursue this, because we felt we had been warned to drop out if we were not willing to risk losing our money. We went into it with our eyes wide open.
The agency and their staff worked hard to move the last adoptions forward. We believed they should be paid for the work they did for our case. On top of that, the agency paid for searchers, investigators and lawyers after our case ended up in the Guatemalan court system.
How It All Unraveled
Despite corruption in the Guatemalan adoption system, suspected cases of stolen children, and other wild rumors (the Vice President of Guatemala was even quoted by the newspaper as having accused US citizens of adopting Guatemalan infants just to harvest their organs, wait, what?!) we believed our adoption agency was following the rules and doing everything correctly.
Yet a mistake was made.
A photo of Jonathan and a photo of another baby were accidently switched on their respective case files. Although it was no doubt a simple human error, it became a huge red flag to the Guatemalan adoption authorities. Without warning, the authorities swooped in and snatched both babies from their foster homes.
We learned both infants had been taken to an undisclosed orphanage. Our agency had no information so was unable to reassure us. This happened while we were in Guatemala visiting Jonathan, so it was even more horrible for us to go through.
Our hearts were grieving right along with the hearts of the two foster families. It seemed senseless to rip the babies from the only home they knew to place them in an institution where they not only would not know anyone, but they would not receive the one-on-one care they were used to.
We ended up in family court. Our adoption agency hired searchers to find and bring the birth mothers forward to confirm they had given up their infants without pressure from anyone. Ironically, we later learned the Guatemalan adoption authorities placed intense pressure on the birth mothers to take back the infants.
Why We Stuck It Out To The Bitter(sweet) End
When the babies were whisked away from everyone they knew by the adoption authorities and placed in an undisclosed orphanage, we were still hopeful that things would work out. However, both birth mothers disappeared, which made resolving the case impossible.
As time dragged on, we began to fear the babies would grow up in the orphanage! We wanted to make sure that didn’t happen, so we showed up for every court hearing.
Things moved very slowly in Guatemala, especially when it came to the PGN (Procuradoria General de la Nacion), the government agency in charge of adoptions. Our adoption agency told us not to interfere in the process and instructed us not to try to find out where the babies were.
Guess what?
The other adoptive mom spoke Spanish fluently. She discovered where the babies were by chatting up the orphanage workers who delivered the babies to our court hearing. We didn’t tell our adoption agency, but we were able to visit the babies at the orphanage! There were many hugs & tears of joy during our visits.
At the final court hearing, I also met Jonathan’s family of origin. I had a picture of the birth mother, but even before she showed up, her parents arrived in the waiting area. It was easy to recognize Jonathan’s grandparents, as he had their same facial features.
I was able to meet and talk a little with the family before court began. They didn’t speak English and my Spanish wasn’t very good. However, we found a way to communicate with each other. It was obvious the grandparents were desperate to bring home their grandson.
What Happened To The Babies?
The other little boy’s adoption was finalized, and he got to go home with his new adoptive mother. His birth mother had insisted she wanted his adoption to go forward.
Jonathan didn’t go home with his birth mother, or with us. The judge awarded custody to the maternal grandparents. It turned out that the grandparents hadn’t know about Jonathan, but once they found out they had a grandson, they wanted to raise him.
During the hearing, Jonathan’s grandfather pleaded in Spanish “Please, Judge, he’s my blood.”
That matters.
It hurt me to hear those words. My selfish wish to bring Jonathan home was hard to let go of, but I knew deep in my heart that it would be best for him to grow up within his biological family. Even if it was his extended family.
Moving On With Grace
Our family set an intention and embarked on a journey, but life doesn’t always unfold as expected. Adoption is very complex. In the end, the best interest of the adoptee is what really matters.
Jonathan was the baby we met and loved as our own, yet fate had other plans for him. We had wonderful times holding, caring and loving Jonathan when he needed it most. There was a gap between the moment of his birth and the moment his grandparents were able to step in.
I’m glad we were there to fill the gap, even if it was terribly painful to say goodbye.
Jonathan deserved to be loved.
Although we were crushed that Jonathan didn’t come home with us, it was comforting to know he was wanted, loved, and would be raised by his grandparents. He wasn’t going to grow up in an orphanage.
It’s human nature to look back and say we could have made better decisions with our money. I don’t feel we made a huge money mistake by trying to adopt a baby, though. We did the best that we could, in faith.
We hope that we made a difference in Jonathan’s life during a critical time in his development.
I think we did.
Adoptions from Guatemala remain closed.
Kathy, this post brought tears to my eyes. My hubby and I are thinking of adopting too. We’ve heard about the cost of adoption, and your post showed us what its really like. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have such a beautiful heart. God bless you and your family!
Thank you, Fritzie! I think adoption is a wonderful way to grow a family. There are many choices when it comes to adoption. I hope you find the answers you are searching for, but let me know if I can help in any way.
Thanks for sharing your adoption story. Sorry to hear that it didn’t work out for you, but fortunately Jonathan ended up in the care of his extended family and someone that really wanted to provide a good home for him.
I agree with you in not regretting the money decision. You knew the risks and consequences if things didn’t work out. In some ways, the money you spent enabled Jonathan to be adopted by his grandparents. The sequencing of events might not have happened the way they did without you spending the time and money to try to adopt Jonathan.
Thanks, Dragon Guy! I think that you are right. Things happen for a reason, and I can only marvel at the mystery. We were in the right place at the right time for Jonathan.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that experience. This is definitely not a money mistake you should regret having made. You did everything you could with the purest of intentions. It’s so reassuring to know that he ended up with his grandparents though, if he couldn’t end up with you. He is most certainly loved.
Thanks for your kind thoughts, Elaie!
We did the best we could at the time. I think about Jonathan often and hope his life has been filled with love and happiness.
wow, I know how difficult adopting can be but I never really realised to what extent. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Cate ღ 35mm in Style
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Cate!
What a heart wrenching story. I can’t even fathom going through this situation, even knowing he ended up with family. Fostering and adoption are not for the faint of heart.
Angela,
Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it! Yes, fostering and adoption can be really complicated. In fact, it would be unusual if it wasn’t! I couldn’t help feeling a little depressed while writing about our experience, but I try to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.
This is such a beautiful post and I was tearing up reading it. I cannot imagine what you went through but I love that you’ve come out the other side and remained strong.
Thank you for the support, Char! It means a lot to me!
Thank you for sharing! I didn’t know all of this about adoption, very informative!
Laura, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!
Kathy, thank you for your courage and bravery in recounting these events in your life. I certainly did not expect to read something like this when I clicked on the link provided. I’m thankful that you were willing to share something like this. And I sincerely applaud you for being so kind throughout the entire process. Your kindness really shines through your words and brought tears to my eyes.
I’m with you regarding this being a “money mistake that you don’t regret”. It’s certainly much better than wondering “what if” at the end of the day. I hope you find strength and peace going forward.
Liz, thank you for your thoughtful and supportive comments. We definitely felt like we had to see it through to the end. It has helped to write about it and share our story with others.
Your post is so touching. Lots of love to you and your family
Thank you for reading and commenting, Seema! I appreciate you stopping by.
So many common mistakes. Glad I’m not the only one who seems to either lose or not have enough of an emergency fund
We all make mistakes, Bryan, every single one of us. Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your comments!
This is a very powerful post. I had tears in my eyes. I am happy Jonathan is safe and well. I am so sorry about the long and hard journey you had to take. I am glad things worked out in the end. You are a very talented writer, and you told your journey beautifully and with emotion. I really connected with you. Thank you for sharing. An amazing post, 😊🌸xxx
Aw, thank you, Ruth! I appreciate your feedback and hope to continue connecting with you and others through my writing. I never expected the amazing support I’ve received from readers. Blogging has opened up a whole new world to me. Thanks for reading!
Wow, reading your story gives me a new perspective on all of my so-called problems.
I know this must have been gut-wrenching to live through and was probably difficult to relive through the process of writing about it, but thank you for sharing your story.
You’re welcome, Brian. Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate that you took the time to visit and share your thoughts.
What a touching story. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my post, Shawn!
Thanks for sharing this story. And I appreciate the honesty of it. You should never have to apologize for trying to change your life and the life of a child. It sounds like this one worked out well. And you’re right. You provided a much needed loving place for Jonathan during the interim.
Would love for you to tell this story in my interview series on overcoming obstacles. Email me if interested.
Wow, thank you for your kind thoughts & offer, Fred. We didn’t want to give up on Jonathan! Your comments mean a lot to me!
Wow. We had set out for the international route but after 5K of homestudy, we went to the Foster Care System. Our daughter was 2 1/2 when we got her. We were lucky.
This idea of foster reunification is absurd. By the time they are ready to be adopted, no body wants them because they have too much baggage.
Our daughter is now a registered nurse in Bakersfield. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
By the way, my wife also had miscarriages.
Mark
So much heartache. So much hope.
Your daughter is a successful young woman today because of the love and dedication you & your wife provided, Mark. Along with all her hard work, of course!
What a moving story. Thanks for sharing. That has to be hard to think about at times, and I would imagine that writing this post wasn’t easy.
Thank you, Money Beagle! I try to focus on the positive, but yeah, it’s tough sometimes. I appreciate your comments!
Wow what a heartfelt story. I’m sorry you have weren’t able to bring Jonathan home, but it does sound like he’s being raised by family that loves him. Bitter sweet I guess. Thank you for sharing.
Melanie, thank you for taking the time to read & comment on my post. It means a lot to me!
What a nightmare. We almost went through the Guatemalan process too. We spent 5k on the home study. I knew a foster mom and it was through her we decided to go through the foster care system. You are right most foster kids are older especially with this reunification nonsense they do in the foster care system. By the time, parental rights are terminated the child is aging out of the system.
If a child is taken from the mother, should be almost impossible to get the child back unless the mother turns her life completely around. Usually, children are taken from the mother many times.
As I stated in my blog post, we were lucky, our child was 2 1/2 years old when we got her. We wanted a Hispanic child because we speak fluent Spanish. We had to go to a different county. My daughter does not look Hispanic (her pic on my blog post) because her father was white.
She had been in five foster care homes since the age of 2 1/2 but luckily by the time we got her it took some time to unravel her baggage but because she was so young this time in her life was not etched in her mind.
Now she is a Registered Nurse and we couldn’t be closer. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
https://www.theretirementspt.com/2018/05/11/foster-care-invest-in-a-childs-future-part-1/
Mark,
Your adoption story is so touching, I remember reading both of your posts about it with tears in my eyes. I’m so glad you were able to adopt your daughter, she’s a treasure!
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Thank you for sharing your story! I have hopes to adopt one day and I know that international adoptions can be difficult and expensive. I’m glad that you don’t regret this money mistake, you still made such a difference in his life!
Thank you, Alexx! We hope & pray that everything we did was for the best. Jonathan probably would not have ended up with his maternal grandparents if circumstances had been different. We definitely didn’t want him to remain in an orphanage. If we hadn’t tried to fight for Jonathan in court, there never would have been a search for his relatives. Jonathan won’t remember us, but knowing that he will grow up with his relatives who love him instead of in an orphanage means a lot.
Kathy, this is such a beautiful story. Wow you have a huge heart. I am so touched. Thank you.
Thank you, Mitchelle! Your comments mean a lot to me!
Thank you for sharing your journey! I had no idea that the adoption process could be so expensive and arduous! My cousins adopted 3 siblings, and it has been so much fun having them as a part of our family. Adoption can be a huge struggle, but I hope the children end up in a loving environment regardless of what happens.
Private and international adoptions are very expensive, but adopting through the US foster care system (if you’re in the USA) is much more affordable. It’s pretty awesome that your cousins adopted 3 siblings!
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Hopefully, Jonathon is being raised by a good family and I don’t think you can ever call what you did a “mistake”. Working to help give a child a good home is the best way money can be spent.
Thank you, Robyn! Jonathan was desperately wanted by his grandparents, once they found out about him. We have to believe it is in his best interest to grow up with them. If I put myself in his grandparents’ shoes, I would have wanted someone to be able to fill in until they could take over loving & caring for him, too. I’m glad we were able to do it, but it did take an emotional toll to let go.
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. Spending money to try to give a baby a good life can never be a “mistake”.
Thanks, Robyn!
Wow! I had no idea that adopting was such an expensive ordeal! Ive thought about adopting when I am older and this will definitely make me think hard about that decision.
Hi Mayah, adoption does not have to be this expensive! Don’t rule it out due to the cost, if your heart is calling you to provide a family to a child without one in the future. The best way to do that without spending much money would be to adopt through the US foster care system.
What a wonderful decision and blessing!
Thanks, Lisa Marie! When we can view disappointments, set-backs, and tragedies as blessings, we have made the decision to put our best foot forward, be the best person we can be, and move on. Thanks for reading & commenting!
Wow this brought me to tears. I truly believe you did make a difference in Jonathan’s life even though you may not have gotten the happy ending you planned for. Truly beautiful.
Thank you, Courtney! That is really sweet. I have to believe we made a difference, too. Thank you for your feedback!
Your story touched my heart. I have had several friends who experienced similar adoptions that fell through in other countries. I am happy that you do not regret the money you spent though. Best of luck to your family.
I’m glad you enjoyed our story, Brooke. Thank you for your kind comments!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart breaking story. You have such a big & loving heart, and grace to let go.
I appreciate your kind words, Priscilla (Latestarterfire). Thank you so much for reading & commenting!
Your story really sounded a lot like the book Mother Mother….
I’m sure many who have adopted, or attempted to adopt from Guatemala have very similar sounding stories, Chocoviv. I have read some of Jessica O’Dwyer’s writing, on her blog and in other publications she’s contributed to. I have not yet read her newest book, “Mother, Mother.” I’m looking forward to reading it!
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and honest story. Finding the lessons in everything is so important.
Aw, thank you for your kind comments, Nicola! Yes, there is always a lesson. It’s important to ask what we can learn from a situation, how we can be or do better, how we can help others. I try to remember this.
Thank you for sharing your story. You and your husband are such lovely people. Even though you were not able to adopt Jonathan, it was wonderful that you were there to give him love before his grandparents adopted him.
Thank you, Karalee! I’m glad we were able to be there for Jonathan during his earliest days.
I am reminded once again that the foster care system in the United States is less than desirable and often a hinderance in helping children find nurturing homes.
That said, I am touched by the intense personal level of your story and how this is one experience you do not regret. I love that Jonathan found a home with his maternal grandparents and your positive mindset around what that means to him and his family.
I find your word perfect: bittersweet.
Thank you for sharing!
It really was the only way to look at it, Jaya. We were sad that we didn’t get to bring Jonathan home with us, but appreciate the difference being raised by his grandparents will make in his life. Thanks for your kind comments!
Thank you for sharing your poignant story — and Jonathan — with us. You and your husband are brave and selfless. Your positive karma will circle back!
Aw, thank you for your kind comments, Sue! That is very sweet of you.
What a moving post. What a rollercoaster of emotions. I didn’t realise how expensive adoptions can be in the US and Internationally. You did a really great thing to fight for Jonathan to have a family. Thank you for sharing this very personal experience.
Lauren – bournemouthgirl x
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you went through during this experience. As a grandparent who has raised our 2 oldest granddaughters since they were 6 & 7 , I think this hits a little closer to home with me from the opposite perspective.
I will say that I miscarried more babies than I can count and finally was blessed with 3 children. So I understand heartache of trying to have a baby and not being able to. It took years and years for my 3 amazing children to be bright into this world.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. It has me in tears.
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story and everything you went through. I can completely understand why you would not regret spending this money even though this story didn’t have the ending you thought it would at the start.
I agree with you, money mistakes can slow retirement and are not good in some cases as you might be in trouble.